Oh That Face

I can hardly believe that it was one year ago that I saw my daughters face for the first time!

We had been waiting and praying for our referral for 5 years. At times we felt like it would never come, yet we waited. We were told we were crazy to keep waiting, yet we waited. The wait grew longer and longer, yet we waited.

We believed with all our hearts that our daughter was in China. No matter how painful the waiting became how could be do anything else but wait. We wanted our daughter. God had been so clear with us that His plan for our family was adoption and that our child was in China. So we waited.

I remember last September so well. For the last few months referrals had been coming about the 2nd week of the month, yet as the days ticked by there wasn't even a whisper that they were coming. We check the Rumor Queen website daily looking for a hint of when the referrals might come and whether our date was in or not, but there was nothing. As the 3rd week crawled past we thought for sure China was going to skip September all together (they had done it before). Then Suddenly there was a rumor that referrals were being sent out and that WE WERE IN THE BATCH!

It seemed like eternity between when Rumor Queen said that the referrals hit the US adoption agencies and when we finally got the call.

My phone suddenly stopped working, I knew it was our adoption coordinator calling but it wouldn't answer. I MISSED THE CALL! I called her back as soon as my stupid phone worked (it was seconds but it might as well have been an hour). Her line was busy (she was calling someone else with their good news). Finally she called me back. BJ was on his way to a going away party for a friend at work. We tried to conference him in but he was on the subway and we lost him a few times. Finally after what felt like an eternal comedy of errors, BJ and I listened carefully as Leah told us about our daughter. Our precious 7 month, 12 lb, 23 inch little girls. She was a real person! A living, breathing being, who was our daughter! It was suddenly so real.

I was so excited, and so in love with the precious little face that showed up in my email a few moments after we hung up with Leah. Sophie was perfect, she even had an expression on her face that I had seen a million times before...on my husbands face. We knew she was ours and though we loved her even before we saw her, we loved her that much more because she was finally real.

I'm willing to admit that even after 5 years of waiting for her (and 8 years before that trying to have a family) I still felt unprepared! I've never been one to think that parenting is easy. I have seen people who I think have done a great job and those who have set the example of what I don't want to do but I've yet to see any parent make it look easy. Parenting is a huge responsibility! We were looking at the face of our daughter...who we were responsible to raise into a decent young woman!

Thankfully the panic only lasted a moment (though it returns even still from time to time), we had a million phone calls to make! Parents, siblings, friends. We had moved 3 times during the wait (hubby's Air Force) so we had friends all over the country that had been waiting with us, and needed to be able to celebrate with us. My sister in-law and nephew were visiting us that week, so they got to be the 1st to see her. It was a flurry of excitement, by the time BJ and I had a moment of quiet to sit together and contemplate our new daughter all we could do was laugh and cry.

Today Sophie and I had a little date for lunch, skyped with daddy, and went to dinner at my brothers. Sophie had ice cream cake for desert to celebrate the 1st of our anniversaries. It was cool to spend some time with my sister in-law and nephew who were with us a year ago. Its amazing how different a year makes. I wish more than anything that daddy were here with us to celebrate, but thankfully we have a whole lifetime ahead of us.

Here's to 1 year looking at that precious face.

10 Months!

 Last September marked the beginning of a wonderful whirlwind!
This month will begin Sophie's 1 year anniversaries (starting the 28th when we first saw her face). Today is not an anniversary but a milestone, one I've been extremely excited about.

Today Sophie has been with our family longer then she was without.

Today is about more.
More hugs. More kisses. More nights going to sleep in a soft, warm bed. More mornings waking up to mommy and daddy. More books read. More toys to play with. More laughs. More tickles. More family. More LOVE.
I am neither foolish, nor naive. I know that the (actually just shy of) 10 months in an orphanage cannot be erased. I know that those 10 months will forever effect who my daughter is. That for better or worse those months are the foundation on which this family was built. I can't erase my daughters first 10 months, they are a part of who she is, but I believe in a God who turns mourning into gladness and makes beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

I don't regret the time Sophie was apart from us. Of course if I could have held her in my arms the moment she was born I would have been over the moon, but that's not how our story goes. And I love our story!

The Sweet Sound of Silence

Thank you Jesus! I seem to have found the trick to getting Sophie settled down when I put her to bed!

After once again listening to my little girl cry for a couple minutes, and seconds from a meltdown of my own, I was about to walk into her room and sing to her hoping it would calm her. As I reached for the door, I thought I would first try singing outside the door and see what happened. It took a few seconds for her to hear me over her cries but she quieted down. I sang a verse or 2 then waited for the cry to start again. After a few minutes she began to fuss so I reassured her throw the door that I was there and she was safe. Again she settled down. I waited a bit longer, then decided to move away from the door (but stayed close). After a few more minutes she started fussing again and I went straight to the door (still not going in) and once again reassured her, and again she settled down.

Third time was the charm and she went to sleep.

Over the weekend we visited family a few hours away. I was really nervous about her falling asleep, so the first night I tried to stay in the room till she fell asleep, but she just wanted stop talking to me. So after an hour (we were already well passed bedtime) I left the room and sang to the closed door. After about 15 minutes and 3 reassurance she went to sleep! It was amazing!

The next night I started right out with telling her I would sing to her from outside the room. She started to fuss a little as I left but as soon as I started singing she quieted down. Ten minutes and 2 more reassurances she fell asleep and I got to enjoy some time with family.

After 4 months of frustration and tears (on both our parts) I am so excited that this seems to be working! I am so proud of her.

Of course now I will have to apologize to any guests that stick around while I put her to bed...I am horribly tone deaf...and Sophie's favorite song is one I made up...its pretty bad...but it makes my baby happy so if you come over bring earplugs.



Broken

 This precious child is killing me!

In the months after we brought Sophie home, BJ and I were so blessed to not have many sleeping issues. Granted I had prayed for 13 years that God would give me children that are good sleepers but since most people mocked me for such a brazen prayers I was pretty shocked when that was what I got.
Within a few weeks of getting home and getting settled Sophie would go down for naps and at night with little more than a whimper to let us know she didn't like us leaving, then settle in for a good night sleep. From time to time she would cry at night but she usually settled herself before we could even get to her crib. By spring Sophie would tell us "nigh, nigh" as we walked out the door, it was delightful, but then BJ left.
 Sophie has been and is a great sleeper and I am incredibly grateful, but since he left she no longer says "nigh, nigh" to me as I leave, she cried hysterically.
We can get through our entire bedtime routine without so much as a whine, I can even put her in her crib without drama, but the moment I take a half step toward the door she is on her feet arms stretched in air grasping and screaming for me. Every single time for almost 4 months, I feel broken.
Believe me I have tried everything (okay everything but one). I have tried rocking her to sleep. It worked great the first time but the next time she would not close her eyes cause she knew I would put her in her crib and leave once she fell asleep. I put her in her crib then sat in her chair so she could see me until she fell asleep. Same thing, it worked great once but then she was onto me and refused to fall asleep. I have tired every combination of staying and leaving, and the best I can do is get her calm enough that she cries when I leave but is not hysterical. And for the cry it out people, I have tried that too and yes consistently for several days and still nothing has changed.
Like I said I have tried everything that I know to try except one. I have not moved my bed into her room and I don't take naps with her. I love her intensely and it breaks my heart to hear her cry but I cannot allow her to dictate when I go to bed and where. I am the mom.
So here I sit, frustrated, hurting and just plain sad, that since her daddy left going to bed has been so hard for our daughter, which in turn makes it hard for me. I wish in life there were always simple solutions but the truth is life is about perseverance, not ease. So tonight I will pray for strength, patience and wisdom and that soon I will once again here "nigh, nigh" as I leave Sophie's room. 

Some Odds and Ends to our Trip

We stayed at the Westin in down town Atlanta, which happens to be the tallest hotel in the U.S. (or the western hemisphere, I forget). It is 75 floors and we stayed on the 32nd, which had a great view and a wall of windows. Sophie LOVED the window and when we were in our room she spent most of her time walking behind the curtains, sitting on the little ledge along the floor or with her sweet fact pushed up to the glass. It was so funny.My nephew, Bren on the other had walked over to the glass, looked down once and never really got that close again.

Bren did get a huge kick out of the robe hanging in the closet. When we were hanging our (like during nap time) he was chilling in the robe. I think I know what I'm getting him for Christmas this year.

 Speaking of Bren, I just have to say that bringing him was the smartest thing I could have done. He was so helpful. The poor kid carried everything from the pack n play, suitcase, and toy bag, to the DVD player and all his own stuff. All I ever had to carry was Sophie and my purse (for some reason he was less enthused about carrying my purse). I did try to help carry but he always insisted. He also kept the room key in his pocket so I didn't have to digging through my diaper bag/ purse every time we went to the room. He was polite and friendly with all of Sophie's sisters and there families, and best of all he was wonderful with Sophie. He played with her, if she fussed he would try to figure out what she needed. He tickled her, played games with her. He taught her tons of new words (all good ones by the way). He held her, helped feed her, watched her so I could have a quick conversation, he walked around with her, held her hand, made her laugh. I could not have asked for a better traveling companion.

I have loved Bren since the moment he was born. He and I have had some amazing trips together, and done a lot of really fun things, but watching him with my daughter is a treasure I will store in my heart forever.

A few pictures of the view from our room. We could see the CNN building, the Georgia Dome, Centennial Park, World of Coke and the Aquarium. It was quite a view.

It was beautiful at night too. I think I could enjoy spending a little more time in Atlanta (though maybe in September or October)



Atlanta Part 2

What an awesome day!

It started out strangely familiar. Sophie, Bren and I got up, got ready and went down to breakfast. Soon Mariah, Sloan and her parents showed up, then in came Susan, Sam, Lily and Mary Catherine. After hugs we all sat down near each other and chatted. The funny thing was that it felt just like we were having our breakfast in China again! Of course the girls have all grown so much and the conversations were all about parenting, development and attaching, but it felt so comfortable, like we had all been together just yesterday for breakfast...just like we were still in China together.

After breakfast we met up with 3 more families. After more hugs and tons of catching up (and of course lots of pictures) we went to the Atlanta Aquarium.

 Brendan was such a great sport all day. He was so polite, friendly and SOOOOOO helpful. He and Sophie really enjoyed looking at all the fish. It was a pretty impressive aquarium.

 After naps we meet in the lobby for some play time. It was so amazing to watch the girls play together. They all got along so well. Of course there was a little push here and a toy stealing there but there was never any actual fighting, no crying, or screaming, just lots of giggles and smiles. It was so awesome and truly the reason we came. We want our kids to grow up together. To be sisters and to look forward to time spent together so that they can rely on each other. When no oneelse (mom and dad) understands how it feels to be Chinese in our (in most cases) very white worlds they have each other. This "family" is vitally important for the girls...and for us too. The shared experience, the trials of parenting, attaching, and rude people, bond us, but even more we actually like each other. We are so blessed.

After play time we went to dinner. Sophie and Lily sat together. They colored, shared books and danced through the meal. They might not remember this weekend but I know it is a beautiful foundation we are laying together.

Tomorrow we all go our separate ways and though its sad that none of us really live close, we are already talking about next years reunion. God is so good. 



Atlanta Part 1

Sorry no pictures, I'll post some tomorrow

When we traveled to China to get Sophie we were blessed with the most amazing travel group. There were 13 families that travel together. Of the the 13, 9 of our children came from the same orphanage, which is so wonderful, but all of us became family.

We have a private FB page so we can discuss openly things about our children, issues that may arise, encourage, and support each other and really just get to watch each other's children grow and blossom. Its been wonderful. We also decided that we needed to actually get together at least once a year. This year is Atlanta...in August!

After much discussion BJ and I decided that Sophie and would drive (its like 13 hours) so I wouldn't have to worry too much about packing. Yeah the Mini is small but its so much better then trying to carry all this crap on an airplane. Plus we figured if Sophie go fussy or needed to get out and run around we could stop. I also really like driving, especially cross country. However whether I flew or drove I knew I was going to need extra hands, so my wonderful nephew Bren is along for the ride (and to be my pack mule : )

We left Wisconsin yesterday morning and after a quick stop at the Starbucks were on our way. Have I mentioned that Illinois is a ridiculously long and boring state? It was actually a great drive. Sophie did awesome, yeah she watched a ton of Yo Gabba Gabba but still she's quite the traveler. Bren sat in the back for part of the trip keeping Sophie giggling then moved to the front to keep me company. We stopped in Kentucky after a short detour to an outlet mall to look for Stride Rite shoes for Sophia. Hey my girl loves shoes!

This morning we didn't rush to much, got a little lost trying to find a Starbucks but were well on our way by 10a. We had planned a quick stop in Nashville to see BJ's cousin (who is always so wonderful to see), then back on the road to Atlanta.

We had planned on getting in about 6:30p but of course I completely forgot about the time change so though my timing was right but it was actually 7:30p.

We caught up with 3 or our families and though it was quick cause all of us were tired and the girls were exhausted it was so great to see them. I have to laugh a little, when we walked up to two of Sophies "sisters" my outgoing, chatty, happy baby turned shy! She looked at the girls and clung to me. When she did let me put her down she wouldn't let go of my dress and even hid behind me. It was a little strange but at least she wasn't upset.

We have no idea if the girls remember each other. And if they did how that would look. They are after all babies and don't have the words to express memories. It will be interesting tomorrow when we actually get to spend time together to see how the kids do. Either way it is so important that they become friends.

I want Sophie to not just know that we aren't the only family that looks like this but I want her to have friends that share her history and have common lives.

Tomorrow promises to fun.

A Few Outings

 Yesterday Sophie and I took off for Wisconsin Dells to stay the night, spend some time with my brother and his family, to splash around at an awesome water park and to do a "test run" traveling before our big trip to Atlanta in a few weeks.

Sophie LOVES water and she had so much fun going from pool to pool to slide to waterfall. She even got her face in the water a few times and did just fine. Jordan and Terra even splashed around with my girl so I could hit a few of the big slides with Bren. We really had a great time and it was quite encouraging for our "big trip"

 Terra and Sophie in the wave pool. If the water hits my ankles more then 3 times I get motion sick so Auntie Terra had to hit the waves with my girl.

 How cute is that belly!

Last week Sophie and I went to the Madison Children's Museum. I have to say WOW! The museum is sooo cool and so much fun. Sophie loved it.

 Auntie Terra and Sophie in one of the doll huts.

 Sophie loves to drum!

 Sophie and her cousin Mercy had so much fun together.

Just the two of us.

The Zoo

All of Sophie's cousins on my side of the family got together today at Henry Villas Zoo. Its a pretty small zoo but its possibly my favorite. I've been coming to this zoo since I was little, and my mom before me. This year is its 100th birthday which is saying something since it is a FREE zoo.

This was Sophie's first visit and though she did enjoy seeing some of the animals (she roared when we walked passed the lions) it was hanging out with her aunts, Grandma and cousins that was the highlight for her. 

BJ and I have 1 niece and she and Sophie get along so well (most of the time). They held hands for part of the day.

Even Brendan came, though he was much less excited about it then the little kids. But he was a great sport and helped with his younger cousins and played with Sophie at the park for a while. She loves to lead him around.

Aren't the girls adorable trying to hold hands?

Auntie Terra was a big help.

Auntie Megan was getting some Sophie time too.



Tea With Daddy

About a week ago one of Sophie's aunts gave her an adorable Tea set. The tea pot sings a few songs (that are extremely polite by the way) it makes bubbling and pouring sounds, and came with 2 cups and a tray with 3 little goodies on (a circle, triangle and square). Since she got it, every morning when Sophie gets up finds the cups (which she likes to either stack or try to carry with one hand) and pours the 2 of us tea. Its so cute. If I turned off the sound the night before, she will say "peese! peese!" and I will turn the sound on so she can pour the tea.

Yesterday one of her great aunts gave Sophie a Belle doll (Beauty and the Beast) and she came with a sweet Tea set too. More bubbling tea pot sounds, 2 little cups (1 is Chip from the movie), this one came with 2 plates a fork and spoon and a cupcake.

Together Sophie now has service for 4!

Another gift she got yesterday (possible the best gift ever) was a "Daddy Doll". BJ had his full length picture taken with a white background and sent it to this wonderful company that made him into a doll!

The moment I handed it to Sophie she yelled "dadda!" and gave it kisses (then she chewed on his head a bit : )

Yesterday was a really busy day so Sophie didn't have much time to play with her "daddy" but this afternoon Sophie decided to have some tea. I had cleared off a little table we have for her and set the tea sets up, when it occurred to me that we had service for 4 so I asked Sophie if she wanted to have tea with daddy, she of course thought that was great. It wasn't long till she was pouring him tea, giving him bites of cupcake or other treat, and randomly giving him kisses.

It was utterly adorable (if not a bit sad too), after a while we added Belle and the 4 of us had a really lovely tea.

Tonight before bed Sophie, "daddy" and I curled up on the couch and watched a little Yo Gabba Gabba (he most favorite show). It was hard to not cry while my sweet Sophie cuddled up with and kissed her "daddy", I know that more then anything daddy wants to be here instead of his doll, but I think its gonna be a pretty good substitute...I wish I had one.

"Daddy" loved Tea time.

Sophie loves pouring tea for everyone, I'm pretty sure Belle enjoyed the tea too.

Yep that's Sophie giving "daddy" a bite of her cupcake.

Compromise

This past Sunday was the Kettle Moraine Day Parade in Eagle, WI. Every years BJ's family travels the 45 minutes to spend the afternoon with family. For many of our extended family it is the only time they see each other, and with the parade, way too much good food and all the family it really is a fun time.

BJ and I haven't been home for the parade since before we got married (I think), and this year BJ's parents asked if Sophie and I would come.

My 1st thought was that with Sophie's schedule so messed up and the parade at noon it would be a hassle. We'd either have to go early and leave before most of the family actually showed up or we'd have to come up late after much of the family had already left. However after thinking about it and talking with BJ's parents I decided that some things are more important than naps.

I wasn't willing to pitch them all together, but depending on what time she woke up in the morning I would move her nap one way or the other so we could make it (Sophie almost never falls asleep in the car).

The day of the parade Sophie was up ridiculously early which meant she would need a morning nap, and I could push her afternoon nap back giving us a nice chunk of time for the parade and family.

So after an hour morning nap, and a quick conversation with daddy (truly the most important thing each day) we were off to Eagle.

Sophie had a great time. Our little social butterfly "talked" to almost everyone, sat on Grandpa's lap for most of the parade, blew kisses, ate a ton of fruit (which she calls bellas), and tried to follow some of the bigger kids around. Though I didn't get talk to as many people as I'd like, and the conversations I had were quick with one eye on Sophie all the time, I had a really nice time and enjoyed watching Sophie meet more of her family.

We have a big family, especially on BJ's side they are a close knit group and I want Sophie to be knit tightly into this clan. I want her to know that she belongs, these are her people, part of her heritage, history and future. Sophie is not just part of our family (BJ and I) but part of OUR family (the lot of us).

It was a really good day.

Cousins

 Between my husband and I we have 5 nephews and 1 niece.

When we found out about BJ's deployment one of the silver linings was that Sophie would get to spend a year getting to know her family, especially her cousins.

Only 2 her around her age (our niece and 1 nephew), 2 of the older nephews are siblings and used to playing with younger children and our 2 oldest nephews are only children.

I don't point this out cause I have a problem with "only" children, in fact I firmly believe people should have as many children as they want no more no less, I say this because these 2 nephews are older, they don't have a lot in common with my 16 month old daughter, yet they are both so sweet with her.

Its not that I expected either of them to be mean, selfish or particularly impatient with Sophie, they are both really good boys, but I have been surprised by how attentive, playful and kind to my daughter they are.

 BK is at an age when his priorities are hanging with his friends, playing video games, and having Airsoft wars, yet when we are at his house rather then head to his room, or go to a friends, he plays with Sophie. He lets her play with his Ipod and actually holds her. She is crazy about him!

BF is the only other grandchild on his side of the family. There are two 2nd cousins in our pretty tight knit family that are a bit younger then him but up until Sophie he was the only grandchild. Even at his age it wouldn't be abnormal for him to not particularly like her, have a little bit of competition or even hurt feelings about having to share the attention, but no, he is so sweet with her. He gentle and patient and loves to share his old toys with her. When he's comes over, she follows him around and trys to do whatever he does.

All of our nieces and nephews have been wonderful with Sophie, and I'm certain as they spend time together I will have such wonderful tales to share. But I have been so blessed and thankful by how loving these 2 nephews have been with Sophie that I just had to brag a little about them.

Sophie getting to know her cousins is certainly a wonderful gift, them wanting to get to know her is a delight.

Father's Day

I always new that BJ would be an amazing father.

He has always been so great with kids. I used to tell people that he is like Santa Claus, kids just seem to flock to him as though they know that he will get down on their level and play.

Over the years he has loved being an uncle to our 5 nephews and 1 niece, but there is nothing like the sound of a little voice calling YOU daddy.

From the moment Sophia was handed to us, BJ was head over heels in love with her. It was like in the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes, except BJ's was already big to begin with. I thought he might actually burst with love for her and every day after that he fell deeper and deeper in love.

The feeling was mutual.

That first night in the hotel it was daddy who had the touch that got Sophie to fall asleep. It was daddy who made her giggle all the time, and kept her calm on the plane ride home. Once Sophie could pull herself up at the window, she would stand there at 5pm to watch for daddy to come home. When she started walking, she would rush to the stairs to meet him with a big grin and a hug. When he'd leave in the morning she would point our "dadda" in every picture in the house, or just rehearse "dadda" over and over again. She has all the makings of wonderful daddy's girl.

Even now, when she hears the computer ringing she runs to the screen yelling "dadda" all the way. She loves to play "peek a boo" with him. Recently she has started to ask him to pick her up, which as heart breaking as it seems, is so sweet. She just wants to be with her daddy. She doesn't understand that he's so far away.

We are so thankful that though it is certainly not the same, BJ and Sophie can still spend time together over the Internet. He can read to her, and play silly games. He can watch her play, and she can make faces at him. She might not reach his face, but she has started to kiss the screen and it won't be long before her "I love you" sounds like "I love you".

So our Father's Day won't be what we always imagined it would be but it'll still be the best one ever. BJ finally has a little voice that calls him "dadda" and she is crazy about him.

Happy Father's Day babe, we love you so much.

I would Say "Uh huh" all over again

15 years ago today I said, "uh huh"

I was supposed to say "I do" but that's just not what came out. It had nothing to do with cold feet and everything to do with how overwhelmed and overjoyed I was that I was finally going to be his wife.

It had been such a long wait (that seems to be our theme).

We had been together for 5 years. We met when we were 16 and dated for almost a year before he left for the Air Force Academy. We spent the next 4 years long distance, him in Colorado, me in Wisconsin.

As with every "wait", when we started it felt like it would be forever till we could be together, but by the end the time had flown.

God has this way of highlighting the joyful parts and fading the pain into the background.

Also like every "wait" it was so worth the it! Our wedding day was beautiful, but the life that we have made out shines it by far.

We were children when we got married (21) and we had no idea what the years would bring. We've had our share of pain but even through the pain we laughed (BJ has always been able to make me laugh) so even the painful stuff isn't so bad. God highlights the joyful parts and fades the pain to the background.

Once again we find ourselves at the beginning of a "wait". And once again it feels like it will be forever till we are together. Thankfully God is so good to have shown us in the past that once we are on the other side of the "wait" the time will have flown. And when we look back on this year He will have highlighted the joyful parts and the pain will fade.

But for today I am just so thankful that I am still as overwhelmed and overjoyed to be his wife as I was 15 years ago. I would joyfully say "uh huh" all over again.

Sophie and the floaty

So no matter the challenges of moving and getting settled in a new home and into a new life, there is always this little joy bouncing around my home. Its amazing to me how no matter how whinny and tired I am, this little sprite can make me laugh so hard by just being her silly, inquisitive self. How blessed am I that this is my daughter.

If only the weather would warm up again so I could show what the blow up floaty is actually for.