Broken

 This precious child is killing me!

In the months after we brought Sophie home, BJ and I were so blessed to not have many sleeping issues. Granted I had prayed for 13 years that God would give me children that are good sleepers but since most people mocked me for such a brazen prayers I was pretty shocked when that was what I got.
Within a few weeks of getting home and getting settled Sophie would go down for naps and at night with little more than a whimper to let us know she didn't like us leaving, then settle in for a good night sleep. From time to time she would cry at night but she usually settled herself before we could even get to her crib. By spring Sophie would tell us "nigh, nigh" as we walked out the door, it was delightful, but then BJ left.
 Sophie has been and is a great sleeper and I am incredibly grateful, but since he left she no longer says "nigh, nigh" to me as I leave, she cried hysterically.
We can get through our entire bedtime routine without so much as a whine, I can even put her in her crib without drama, but the moment I take a half step toward the door she is on her feet arms stretched in air grasping and screaming for me. Every single time for almost 4 months, I feel broken.
Believe me I have tried everything (okay everything but one). I have tried rocking her to sleep. It worked great the first time but the next time she would not close her eyes cause she knew I would put her in her crib and leave once she fell asleep. I put her in her crib then sat in her chair so she could see me until she fell asleep. Same thing, it worked great once but then she was onto me and refused to fall asleep. I have tired every combination of staying and leaving, and the best I can do is get her calm enough that she cries when I leave but is not hysterical. And for the cry it out people, I have tried that too and yes consistently for several days and still nothing has changed.
Like I said I have tried everything that I know to try except one. I have not moved my bed into her room and I don't take naps with her. I love her intensely and it breaks my heart to hear her cry but I cannot allow her to dictate when I go to bed and where. I am the mom.
So here I sit, frustrated, hurting and just plain sad, that since her daddy left going to bed has been so hard for our daughter, which in turn makes it hard for me. I wish in life there were always simple solutions but the truth is life is about perseverance, not ease. So tonight I will pray for strength, patience and wisdom and that soon I will once again here "nigh, nigh" as I leave Sophie's room.