Oh That Face

I can hardly believe that it was one year ago that I saw my daughters face for the first time!

We had been waiting and praying for our referral for 5 years. At times we felt like it would never come, yet we waited. We were told we were crazy to keep waiting, yet we waited. The wait grew longer and longer, yet we waited.

We believed with all our hearts that our daughter was in China. No matter how painful the waiting became how could be do anything else but wait. We wanted our daughter. God had been so clear with us that His plan for our family was adoption and that our child was in China. So we waited.

I remember last September so well. For the last few months referrals had been coming about the 2nd week of the month, yet as the days ticked by there wasn't even a whisper that they were coming. We check the Rumor Queen website daily looking for a hint of when the referrals might come and whether our date was in or not, but there was nothing. As the 3rd week crawled past we thought for sure China was going to skip September all together (they had done it before). Then Suddenly there was a rumor that referrals were being sent out and that WE WERE IN THE BATCH!

It seemed like eternity between when Rumor Queen said that the referrals hit the US adoption agencies and when we finally got the call.

My phone suddenly stopped working, I knew it was our adoption coordinator calling but it wouldn't answer. I MISSED THE CALL! I called her back as soon as my stupid phone worked (it was seconds but it might as well have been an hour). Her line was busy (she was calling someone else with their good news). Finally she called me back. BJ was on his way to a going away party for a friend at work. We tried to conference him in but he was on the subway and we lost him a few times. Finally after what felt like an eternal comedy of errors, BJ and I listened carefully as Leah told us about our daughter. Our precious 7 month, 12 lb, 23 inch little girls. She was a real person! A living, breathing being, who was our daughter! It was suddenly so real.

I was so excited, and so in love with the precious little face that showed up in my email a few moments after we hung up with Leah. Sophie was perfect, she even had an expression on her face that I had seen a million times before...on my husbands face. We knew she was ours and though we loved her even before we saw her, we loved her that much more because she was finally real.

I'm willing to admit that even after 5 years of waiting for her (and 8 years before that trying to have a family) I still felt unprepared! I've never been one to think that parenting is easy. I have seen people who I think have done a great job and those who have set the example of what I don't want to do but I've yet to see any parent make it look easy. Parenting is a huge responsibility! We were looking at the face of our daughter...who we were responsible to raise into a decent young woman!

Thankfully the panic only lasted a moment (though it returns even still from time to time), we had a million phone calls to make! Parents, siblings, friends. We had moved 3 times during the wait (hubby's Air Force) so we had friends all over the country that had been waiting with us, and needed to be able to celebrate with us. My sister in-law and nephew were visiting us that week, so they got to be the 1st to see her. It was a flurry of excitement, by the time BJ and I had a moment of quiet to sit together and contemplate our new daughter all we could do was laugh and cry.

Today Sophie and I had a little date for lunch, skyped with daddy, and went to dinner at my brothers. Sophie had ice cream cake for desert to celebrate the 1st of our anniversaries. It was cool to spend some time with my sister in-law and nephew who were with us a year ago. Its amazing how different a year makes. I wish more than anything that daddy were here with us to celebrate, but thankfully we have a whole lifetime ahead of us.

Here's to 1 year looking at that precious face.

10 Months!

 Last September marked the beginning of a wonderful whirlwind!
This month will begin Sophie's 1 year anniversaries (starting the 28th when we first saw her face). Today is not an anniversary but a milestone, one I've been extremely excited about.

Today Sophie has been with our family longer then she was without.

Today is about more.
More hugs. More kisses. More nights going to sleep in a soft, warm bed. More mornings waking up to mommy and daddy. More books read. More toys to play with. More laughs. More tickles. More family. More LOVE.
I am neither foolish, nor naive. I know that the (actually just shy of) 10 months in an orphanage cannot be erased. I know that those 10 months will forever effect who my daughter is. That for better or worse those months are the foundation on which this family was built. I can't erase my daughters first 10 months, they are a part of who she is, but I believe in a God who turns mourning into gladness and makes beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

I don't regret the time Sophie was apart from us. Of course if I could have held her in my arms the moment she was born I would have been over the moon, but that's not how our story goes. And I love our story!

The Sweet Sound of Silence

Thank you Jesus! I seem to have found the trick to getting Sophie settled down when I put her to bed!

After once again listening to my little girl cry for a couple minutes, and seconds from a meltdown of my own, I was about to walk into her room and sing to her hoping it would calm her. As I reached for the door, I thought I would first try singing outside the door and see what happened. It took a few seconds for her to hear me over her cries but she quieted down. I sang a verse or 2 then waited for the cry to start again. After a few minutes she began to fuss so I reassured her throw the door that I was there and she was safe. Again she settled down. I waited a bit longer, then decided to move away from the door (but stayed close). After a few more minutes she started fussing again and I went straight to the door (still not going in) and once again reassured her, and again she settled down.

Third time was the charm and she went to sleep.

Over the weekend we visited family a few hours away. I was really nervous about her falling asleep, so the first night I tried to stay in the room till she fell asleep, but she just wanted stop talking to me. So after an hour (we were already well passed bedtime) I left the room and sang to the closed door. After about 15 minutes and 3 reassurance she went to sleep! It was amazing!

The next night I started right out with telling her I would sing to her from outside the room. She started to fuss a little as I left but as soon as I started singing she quieted down. Ten minutes and 2 more reassurances she fell asleep and I got to enjoy some time with family.

After 4 months of frustration and tears (on both our parts) I am so excited that this seems to be working! I am so proud of her.

Of course now I will have to apologize to any guests that stick around while I put her to bed...I am horribly tone deaf...and Sophie's favorite song is one I made up...its pretty bad...but it makes my baby happy so if you come over bring earplugs.



Broken

 This precious child is killing me!

In the months after we brought Sophie home, BJ and I were so blessed to not have many sleeping issues. Granted I had prayed for 13 years that God would give me children that are good sleepers but since most people mocked me for such a brazen prayers I was pretty shocked when that was what I got.
Within a few weeks of getting home and getting settled Sophie would go down for naps and at night with little more than a whimper to let us know she didn't like us leaving, then settle in for a good night sleep. From time to time she would cry at night but she usually settled herself before we could even get to her crib. By spring Sophie would tell us "nigh, nigh" as we walked out the door, it was delightful, but then BJ left.
 Sophie has been and is a great sleeper and I am incredibly grateful, but since he left she no longer says "nigh, nigh" to me as I leave, she cried hysterically.
We can get through our entire bedtime routine without so much as a whine, I can even put her in her crib without drama, but the moment I take a half step toward the door she is on her feet arms stretched in air grasping and screaming for me. Every single time for almost 4 months, I feel broken.
Believe me I have tried everything (okay everything but one). I have tried rocking her to sleep. It worked great the first time but the next time she would not close her eyes cause she knew I would put her in her crib and leave once she fell asleep. I put her in her crib then sat in her chair so she could see me until she fell asleep. Same thing, it worked great once but then she was onto me and refused to fall asleep. I have tired every combination of staying and leaving, and the best I can do is get her calm enough that she cries when I leave but is not hysterical. And for the cry it out people, I have tried that too and yes consistently for several days and still nothing has changed.
Like I said I have tried everything that I know to try except one. I have not moved my bed into her room and I don't take naps with her. I love her intensely and it breaks my heart to hear her cry but I cannot allow her to dictate when I go to bed and where. I am the mom.
So here I sit, frustrated, hurting and just plain sad, that since her daddy left going to bed has been so hard for our daughter, which in turn makes it hard for me. I wish in life there were always simple solutions but the truth is life is about perseverance, not ease. So tonight I will pray for strength, patience and wisdom and that soon I will once again here "nigh, nigh" as I leave Sophie's room.